You’re probably wondering how to master every area of your life; obtain a mighty beach physique, buy some cryptocurrency lambos and live like a digital nomad.
Luckily, simply visiting bloomsoup helps. We employ subtle psychological manipulation to make you an awesome human.
Maybe you’ll assist a small elderly person over the road on your way home or clean the toilet for the benefit of your living companions.
Either way, you’ll make the world all rainbows and Easter eggs.
Well after much scientific tinkering and self-experiment, I think I’m in a position to dispense my findings on living the good life.
So without further ado, here they are.
1. Purchase New Possessions
Some say that buying material objects you don’t necessarily need won’t make you happy. Such people have clearly never owned a Scandinavian cheese slicer.
If you have a tendency towards self-loathing, a luxurious indulgence may be just the type of quick fix you need to feel better about yourself.
After all, why go to the hassle of sustainable mind transformation when you can instantly feel great with a material acquisition, or our blueprint for life success? (coming soon).
Plus, owning all the latest gadgets makes others feel like they’re missing out, instantly elevating your social capital.
They’ll automatically want to be your friend. It’s simply that simple.
2. Engage More With Social Media
Unremitting connectivity should make us all feel blessed. There used to be a time when you had to physically talk to people you didn’t like.
Now they can simply follow you on social media and instead of awkward social encounters, receive digital updates on your latest toileting experience or organic cereal combination.
Plus, rather than having to interpret complex social cues with your brain, you can now receive instant feedback on how popular you are, based on the number of arthouse-filter brunch photograph likes you’ve accrued.
3. Cut the Dead Weight
Some friends just don’t have what it takes to get you to the next level. The kindest thing you can do is forget about them instantly.
After all, shared history and family ties mean nothing when your success is on the line. Such naysayers simply lower your karmic energy.
Your somewhat drastic action may also help shock acquaintances into realising that they too should dispense with negativity and pursue a path of continuous, unending self-improvement.
4. Post Positive Quotes.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” Marilyn Monroe (possibly)
Positive quotes are the literal food of the internet. A regular posting schedule of motivational truisms, cannibalised from historical thinkers, celebrities and literary types, will ensure your virtual friends know you’re taking life hacking seriously.
They’ll also serve as a constant buffer for any negative emotions to be eradicated on your journey to success.
Maximum impact (and engagement) can be achieved when paired with a dramatic landscape or black and white portrait of an elderly individual.
5. Pursue Digital Nomadism
Having a steady job is so 1990’s. You’re part of generation Internet friend, with all the power and freedom it imbues.
Why sniff someone’s smelly armpit in the tube to work, when instead you can freelance on a Thai beach in your budgie smugglers.
Gone are the days of stuffy office cubicles and photocopier jams. You can now dive before breakfast, ninja-batch emails at lunch and trek like a mountain goat in the afternoon.
What’s more, instead of investing in a small number of deep and meaningful relationships, expand your social network by making a new set of friends at every Instagram-worthy beach.
6. Become a Life Coach
Teaching others how to live is a surefire technique of learning to live well yourself.
No qualifications? No problemo. If you’ve been through the school of hard knocks or university of life, you’re perfectly positioned to dispense deep psychological therapy to unstable individuals or those seeking abundance.
Furthermore, you can now offer your services as a digital nomad via Skype-based workshops, providing a comforting level of detachment from those you’re trying to help.
7. Ask the Universe and Receive
If you’ve not yet received everything you desire, it’s likely because you don’t believe you’re worthy of such blessings. The universe has unlimited abundance and your every wish will manifest when your being is truly aligned.
On a practical level, repeated affirmations help to re-condition your subconscious to accept the cosmic signs of your righteous path.
Vision boards have also been shown to help you look at everything you really want, every day.
8. Attend Life-Affirming Retreats
Surrounding yourself with just one set of opinions and beliefs can only strengthen your resolve to achieve your dreams.
No-one needs doubters or naysayers bringing down the vibe, however well-intentioned or practical they may be.
Raising your life frequency can only be attained by connecting with individuals seeking similar elevation on the spiritual plane.
9. Expand Your Network
It’s important to remember that these days you needn’t physically meet someone before asking them to be your friend.
This means you can hide your embarrassing traits while emphasising better qualities.
Crafting your perfect image has never been so easy, with a range of photographic filters to ensure that any old smashed avocado bowl encourages social media envy.
Ruthlessly pursuing influencers to tap into their social media circles will provide a captive audience of kindred souls to follow your sage life advice.
10. Form Masterminds
Achieving worldly success can be fast-tracked by regularly checking in for group strategy sessions with your megabrain.
Accountability is where it’s at. Like a multi-headed shamanic healer, your remote buddies can identify life blocks and provide remote chakra-charging energy, helping you reach the next level in love, business and life.
11. Pursue Your Passion
Mad about growing miniature tomatoes? You’re probably not alone. Legions of miniature tomato growers likely require growing tips and tricks, meaning you can monetise your passion and quit your dead-end job.
Burning your boats and preemptively abandoning steady employment is a sign of true belief which will result in healthy panic and resourceful action.
Remember, it’s not the idea, or even necessarily the market that matters. Rather your blinkered level of commitment to the cause.
Even when you think your idea can’t possibly work, desperate persistence and zealot-like doggedness are what separates success from failure.
12. Embrace Scandinavian Philosophy
Everyone knows Scandinavia has it figured out. Attractive folks with inherent fashion sense and an eye for design will always make erstwhile role models.
And it’s no different when it comes to their life philosophy. Incorporating a spot of de hygge into your life will enrich your downtime away from the daily grind.
13. Sell People What They Want, Not What They Need
It’s no secret that people want the quick fix; easily achievable, instant results to help them focus on superficial gains while masking deeper issues.
Promising your audience anything less is foolhardy. Worse than that, it’s downright selfish. By denying your audience your life hacking wisdom you’re simply limiting the scope of your world-changing mission.
14. Hustle Like a Pro
You say sleeping I say cheating. As Arnie (might have) said,
“If you want to be successful, sleep faster”.
Whenever you feel like taking some time out, question whether you’re hustling hard enough.
While you’re spending time with loved ones, your rivals may be Instagramming coffee art to their followers, building #authentic relationships.
So get back to work.
Go Forth and Improve Yourself
Implement these tactics and you’ll undoubtedly be a better person, allowing you to gloat over lesser humans with smug satisfaction.
When their jealousy of your carefully crafted existence reaches boiling point, you can offer your three-step abundance course so they can be more like you.
Sticking to this list, while making you spiritually juicy and content, will also undoubtedly change the world for the better. So yay for that.